Introduction: So. There is yet another stock market collapse. *Insert gasp.* Honestly, did you even notice? Or were you preoccupied with refreshing TikTok, contemplating whether you should establish an Etsy store that sells crochet amphibians in order to make it through late-stage capitalism? Either way, congratulations—you have discovered the financial equivalent of The Hunger Games.
The situation is as follows: the majority of individuals on CNBC are either shouting into a vacuum or advising viewers to remain composed, which is akin to instructing an individual who is on fire to “relax.” Simultaneously, you possess $47 in your checking account, debt that predates Generation Z, and an unexpected impulse to “buy the dip” (a term that you comprehend only partially). Please secure yourself. You will either feel like Warren Buffett’s sarcastic relation by the conclusion of this article… or, by ordering an additional pumpkin spice latte, as Starbucks does not experience any system failures.
First Step: Assume You Are Aware of the Situation
Let’s be honest—you do not truly comprehend the stock market. Be truthful. Nobody among us does. We all discuss “the Dow” as if it were our high school friend who made a fortune selling vape pens. It is a fact that economists are unable to reach a consensus on the specifics of the situation, so why should you?
**The following is your survival strategy:**
– Recall phrases that are both impressive and ineffective, such as “the fundamentals are strong” and “it’s just a market correction.”
– Perform a random nod in agreement when peers discuss “fiscal policy.”
– Replicate Wall Street quips to create the impression that you possess a portfolio.
Because there is nothing more indicative of a “responsible adult” than adamantly feigning competence while your savings account sobs in the distant corner.
*Additionally, it is fair to admit that you were never going to retire. That is not the case in this economy.
The second step is to embrace the chaos, my love.
Listen, when everything is in a state of collapse, you have two options:
1. Experiencing panic, disposing of all possessions, and living in humiliation.
2. Accept and embrace your inner chaos, goblin, and continue to toss money at it.
**What makes pandemonium investing an elite-level comedy:**
– Consider the possibility of purchasing Netflix stock during the release of yet another documentary series about serial murderers that you did not request.
– Are you interested in investing in Tesla, only to have your portfolio ruined by Elon Musk’s irrational tweet at 3 a.m.?
– Or, perhaps… cryptocurrency. Yes, there is nothing more indicative of “responsible adulthood” than entrusting your entire life’s assets to a digital dog coin.
Consider this: when the market experiences a decline, individuals who are wealthy are granted reductions. When you purchase the dip, you experience dyspepsia and anxiety. The practice is rooted in tradition.
Third Step: Diversify, as advised by wealthy individuals
“Do not place all of your eggs in a single basket,” they advise. This is straightforward when eggs are genuinely available. But here’s the thing: diversification is a way to appear intelligent without actually doing much.
Now, let’s spice things up: – Invest half of your money in securities that you do not comprehend.
– A share in a dubious technology venture that was established by two individuals named Chad.
– A small amount of cryptocurrency was also added because the individual at Starbucks claimed that it was “going to the moon.”
– And perhaps a safe, unremarkable index fund that will keep you calm at night, but won’t make you particularly wealthy.
Essentially, diversification is akin to meal-prepping: it is both frustrating and perplexing, and you are likely to consume Chipotle in the end.
The fourth step is to pretend that the situation is a game.
My opinion: The stock market is essentially fantasy football for individuals who suffer from anxiety. Consider the following: you update applications, generate excitement when random numbers increase, and experience a downward spiral when they decrease. No changes were made to the original sentence, as it does not require editing.
Is there any reason not to embrace it? Turn investing into a twisted drinking game, create brackets, or make wagers with friends:
– Portfolio grew by 5%. Give it a try.
— What if the stock price plummets by 10%? In conclusion, finish your beverage.
– The business’s CEO is implicated in a scandal? Congratulations, everyone has been squandered.
After all, what is the purpose of transforming financial catastrophe into entertainment if it is not possible?
Fifth Step: Acknowledge that you are, in fact, experiencing something significant.riencing financial hardship.
Ok, let’s cut through the sarcasm: you are not Warren Buffett. It is possible that you do not even like the Walmart version of Warren Buffett. You are a twenty-something individual who is burdened with student debt and maintains a Robinhood account. You are making an impulsive decision between purchasing oat milk and paying rent. Of course, that is acceptable.
Fact-check:The wealthy consistently prevail during market collapses. They acquire additional merchandise, wait, and generate increased profits. What about the remainder of us? We conduct a search on the internet for the phrase “Is it possible to deduct therapy as a business expense?”
Therefore, cease to criticize yourself. No, you are not an investment prodigy. You are merely a human being who is attempting to navigate late capitalism on the basis of memes, vibrations, and an excessive amount of caffeine.
Concluding Statement:
So, how do you invest in a stock market that is in a state of collapse? Easy. One does not “invest”; rather, they accommodate. You continue to ride the chaotic wave, invest a small amount of money in projects that you barely comprehend, and pray that you do not end up selling feet pictures on OnlyFans to pay rent.
Congratulations on your successful completion. Either you are sincerely interested in finance, or you are currently avoiding your actual job. Respect is my attitude towards it, regardless of the outcome. I recognize it, at the very least. Go ahead and purchase the dip, or whatever TikTok advised you to do this week. *You will be alright in the future… probably.*
